When we feel pain we grow as human, sadly in my case I had to lose a lot to understand this, but what most pained me is losing my soulmate.
Throughout my life people close to me would say I'm acting like a victim, lying, manipulative, dramatic, .... u name it. Believe it or not, I legit thought I was always a victim and I believed that the whole world was always against me. Everyone would think I'm lying but in reality in my head I would think I lived in a world were I was so good but everyone was up to hurt me. Even the guy I loved the most in this world, I would treat him bad, flip out on him, talk to guys, did so much bad shit that no one will handle but in my head I always thought it was excused cause he should fight for me or he should be there for me no matter what.
And this year when I lost the most important people in my life, that's when reality hit me. At first, I thought again I was a victim and I kept wondering how would they do this and I cried myself to sleep every single night. I lost my family, some friends and my boyfriend. What affected me the most was losing the person I loved. See, in my head this guy and I were soulmates and nothing in the world would ever break that. I would tell him everything, everything on my mind he would know. I showed him all my sides without hiding anything. He would see me straight out of bed looking my worse and still love me so much. But one day it was all gone and I actually felt broken. Then one day I decided to make a life changing move and visit a psychiatrist. I wanted to give it a try just to prove to everyone that I'm not crazy or a liar. I wanted to go to proof to everyone that I am a victim. But in reality, my psychiatrist tells I'm diagnosed with severe depression and other mental health disorders and need to be hospitalized. In addition to all this he told me that I have signs of Paranoia. At that time I didn't believe him. I visited 3 different doctors and they all said the same, and that's when I started accepting it. Accepting that I was the issue and had certain disorders was the hardest step. But it was the most important step. And that's how my perspective to everything I have done suddenly changed. After taking medication for almost a year and seeing a psychiatrist, therapist, and psychologist I started seeing things from everyone's view. The hypermania episodes that I was having seems good to people, since I'm happy, speaking confidently and have so much energy to enjoy any event. The bad part about hypermania is excessive money spending, seeking attention from anyone, engage in risky behaviors that have dangerous outcomes, and mainly the impulsive decisions. The depression episodes are very extreme and they consist of low energy, feeling guilty, feeling unworthy, suicidal thoughts, feeling like the whole world hates you and everyone is against you.
My Paranoia was the worst because I would actually believe that people around me are trying to hurt me, or one is genuine.
But the most important thing is my Trauma. Trauma is so underrated and no one believes how badly it affects your personality. I always felt like my friends will abandon me one day, or my family, or boyfriend.
The moral of all this, is sometimes we believe we're victims and bad things happen to us all the time, but in reality we just have to change how we think about all of this or seek help to think differently. Nothing wrong with accepting that we have been wrong all our lives and the reason our loved ones left us is US.