How to not ruin your own Relationship

As the majority of the people in the United States, I have suffered from mental health my whole life. I come from a family that doesn't believe much in the importance of mental health so I kept my depression to myself. I met this guy in college and instantly fell in love. He was my best friend and every girl's dream, He was so polite, loving, caring, and most importantly loved me the most. When we graduated and started working, my mental health became worse and I was never happy. He kept asking me to quit and find a healthier job but I refused and resented him for that. We were engaged at the time and started dealing with so much financial issues which made me resent him more. But deep down I was the issue, I was the one craving attention from everyone and desperately accepting any man who gave that to me. We broke off our engagement but deep down I was still in love with him. We stayed in touch and kept seeing each other here and there. But I started seeing other guys and going on dates, and believe it not I did not like any of them, I just enjoyed the attention cause I needed it but never knew why I needed it so bad. We got back together last year. It was amazing and I promised myself to act right that time. He was so busy with work and wouldn't see me as much and one of my guy friends was there always calling me and showing up to my house with gifts and filling the void. Did I like the guy? NO. Did I love the attention and the feeling of being loved? YES. My boyfriend found out and left me. But this time when he left me, my family left me as well because they believed I was a bad person for what I've done. I hated everyone at first, but then decided to start therapy. I ended up diagnosed with many disorders that I prefer not to mention. The need of attention was linked to my mental health and everything I have suffered during my childhood. In my 28 years I always felt like a victim and always felt like the whole world was against me. Now with the help of therapy and medication, the truth is I was never the victim. I was just acting based on what my brain was telling me and the world I was living in. I was pressured to start therapy by my boyfriend 6 years ago and always refused. But now, I'm left with nothing but regret. I regret not listening. I regret treating him bad, I regret not showing him how much I love him, I regret not traveling the world with him and having fun, I regret not holding him and showing him how much he meant to me. Yes, I'm happy I'm on the right track of fixing my life and taking medication and deal with my childhood trauma, but all that doesn't change the reality. The reality of me losing my soulmate and the guy that meant the world to me. You don't meet good guys everyday, so when you do, take good care of them and love them. Don't take their love for granted. Enjoy the love and live a happy life with the person that loves you. Losing the person you're in love with hurts a lot and the pain doesn't get better. Remorse and regret are the worse. And knowing it's all your fault sucks the most. Trauma and mental health are real and we should take care of our mental health as much as we take care of our health. Life means nothing without the people we love, but the first step is accepting that the issue was YOU. Seeking help is very important, and we all need it. Take care of the ones you love and never take their love for granted.

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